Nick Denton's Brain Droppings RSS

Gaby, be a dear and bring me another croissant please. (Please direct any legal documents to nickguidodenton at gmail dot com)

Archive

Jan
23rd
Fri
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I fail to see the humour in this. Anyone who knows me can attest that when it comes to breakfast, I’m more of a French Toast man, served with porridge, kippers and devilled Panda kidneys on the side, naturally.

I fail to see the humour in this. Anyone who knows me can attest that when it comes to breakfast, I’m more of a French Toast man, served with porridge, kippers and devilled Panda kidneys on the side, naturally.

Jul
17th
Thu
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Boltlung Needs Help

from: Noah Robishon <noah@gawker>

to: Nick Denton <nickguidodenton@gmail.com>

subject: Blakeley’s crying about College Humor stealing his videos

Nick, do you have van veen’s email handy?

Why yes Boltlung, I certainly do. It is:

lockharteatsmyjesscoenleftovers@unfunnyovergrownfratboys.org

By the way, how’s that “Mastering Email with Laurel Touby” class at Mediabistro coming along?

May
22nd
Thu
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Since I&#8217;m over scrapbooking, this is what I do on slow news days.

Since I’m over scrapbooking, this is what I do on slow news days.

May
21st
Wed
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Boltlung, is Reilly off of his medications again? From: reilly@gawker.comTo: [redacted]@gawker.comSubject: Donuts on the kitchen table!   Hey guys, I brought a bunch of donuts in for you all enjoy. Be sure to grab some.  There&#8217;s glazed (my personal favorite) and the regular kind with chocolate frosting on top.  Yes, they&#8217;re from Dunkin&#8217; Donuts, but you can&#8217;t expect some kid from western PA who moved out here in the Fall to know where all the &#8220;New York donut shops&#8221; are now can you? I am aware there are many Gawker people who don&#8217;t actually work out of the NY office.  Don&#8217;t worry, I thought of you out-of-towners (I always think of everybody, that&#8217;s how my parents raised me). Attached to this e-mail is a coupon for one free donut at my expense. There are some rules, however. 1. This coupon is only valid for those who are unable to commute to the office today, May 21, 2008. 2. I will not mail you the donut. 3. The maximum amount spent on the donut cannot exceed $2 (U.S.) including tax. 4. I will not give you the $2 instead 5. You must present the coupon in order to receive your donut. 6. You must attend the purchasing of your donut with me. 7. The donut DOES NOT have to be from Dunkin&#8217; Dounts, but it must a donut as defined by wikipedia. 8. This offer is good for ONE donut, not multiple, smaller donuts of equal value. 9. All future and past Gawker employees are ineligible. You&#8217;ll notice the coupon doesn&#8217;t expire until 2010.  I initially thought one year would suffice, but then I got to thinking that the chances of me actually seeing most of you in a year is pretty slim. So I extended it for another year. You have two years to claim your donut. Print it out and stuff it in your wallet or purse. So there, everyone should be happy. Enjoy! Jim

Boltlung, is Reilly off of his medications again? 

From: reilly@gawker.com

To: [redacted]@gawker.com

Subject: Donuts on the kitchen table! 

 

Hey guys,
I brought a bunch of donuts in for you all enjoy. Be sure to grab
some.  There’s glazed (my personal favorite) and the regular kind with
chocolate frosting on top.  Yes, they’re from Dunkin’ Donuts, but you
can’t expect some kid from western PA who moved out here in the Fall
to know where all the “New York donut shops” are now can you?
I am aware there are many Gawker people who don’t actually work out of
the NY office.  Don’t worry, I thought of you out-of-towners (I always
think of everybody, that’s how my parents raised me).
Attached to this e-mail is a coupon for one free donut at my expense.
There are some rules, however.
1. This coupon is only valid for those who are unable to commute to
the office today, May 21, 2008.
2. I will not mail you the donut.
3. The maximum amount spent on the donut cannot exceed $2 (U.S.) including tax.
4. I will not give you the $2 instead
5. You must present the coupon in order to receive your donut.
6. You must attend the purchasing of your donut with me.
7. The donut DOES NOT have to be from Dunkin’ Dounts, but it must a
donut as defined by wikipedia.
8. This offer is good for ONE donut, not multiple, smaller donuts of
equal value.
9. All future and past Gawker employees are ineligible.

You’ll notice the coupon doesn’t expire until 2010.  I initially
thought one year would suffice, but then I got to thinking that the
chances of me actually seeing most of you in a year is pretty slim.
So I extended it for another year. You have two years to claim your
donut. Print it out and stuff it in your wallet or purse.

So there, everyone should be happy.

Enjoy!
Jim

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All the hard young literary dicks.

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Emily and Josh Redux

Whenever I think about Emily and Josh, I try to remember a simpler time, a time when things weren’t so complicated. Like that time when Emily was so freaked out by a leotard-wearing Josh stalking her at yoga that she stopped coming into the office altogether for weeks at a time so that she wouldn’t have to see him.

Ah yes, the good times.

Note to self: Never hire a hetero Jew blogger ever again!

May
19th
Mon
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Get Over It

Look, I’ve no plans to make Nick Douglas redundant despite the pleadings of this website. He’s my ginger hobbit after all.

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“All my good reading, you might say, was done in the toilet. There are passages in Ulysses which can be read only in the toilet - if one wants to extract the full flavor of their content.” -Henry MillerHolly Peterson is my Ulysses.

“All my good reading, you might say, was done in the toilet. There are passages in Ulysses which can be read only in the toilet - if one wants to extract the full flavor of their content.” -Henry Miller

Holly Peterson is my Ulysses.

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Desire

I’d get down on my hands and knees and crawl across a field of broken glass just to listen to Al Reynolds urinating into a cup.

Tionna?

May
9th
Fri
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The Official Richard Lawson Coming Out Party

I can’t think of a better way for Lolcait to come roaring out of the closet than by hosting “The Ultimate Gossip Girl Summit.”

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Don&#8217;t be fooled by the tag. Scott Kidder is XL all the way.

Don’t be fooled by the tag. Scott Kidder is XL all the way.

May
6th
Tue
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The Brain-Trust ConvenesNick: I do hereby call this meeting of the Knights Who Say Meme to order. Gaby will now do a roll-call for the minutes of the meeting.Gaby: Nick Guido Denton?Nick: Present.Gaby: Boltlung Iron?Boltlung: Yessum Miss Gaby.Gaby: Chris Batty?Chris: Hilfiger.Gaby: What?Chris: My shirt. You asked about my shirt, right? It&#8217;s by Tommy Hilfiger. Gaby: Nevermind. Tom Plunkett?Tom: AAAHHHGGG!Nick: Tom, why are you hunched over the table looking like you might defecate in your knickers at any moment? Goddammit Boltlung, did you allow Tom to have lunch at Cafe Habana again today? You were given strict orders not to let that happen! Boltlung: Well, I, I, I&#8217;m sorry boss! It&#8217;s just so close by, he can&#8217;t resist it.Tom: AAAHHHGGG!Chris: Oh dear God what is that smell? Is someone wearing Drakkar? That&#8217;s like, so last year.Tom: AAAHHHGGG!Nick: No you preppy twit! Plunkett&#8217;s going all Shatner in his pants! Chris: Whatever bro. The fishtank now smells like the Jersey Shore on the 4th of July.Boltlung: I begged him not to get black beans on his pulled pork sandwich boss, honest I did. I swear to it!Tom: AAAHHHGGG!Nick: Boltlung, get Plunkett cleaned up! Borrow one of Jim Lehnoff&#8217;s diapers and throw it on him. We&#8217;ve got to discuss the launch of my new girly Deadspin, LesBallChris: Dude, is this going to take much longer? Happy hour at Dorrian&#8217;s kicks off in ten minutes! 

The Brain-Trust Convenes

Nick: I do hereby call this meeting of the Knights Who Say Meme to order. Gaby will now do a roll-call for the minutes of the meeting.

Gaby: Nick Guido Denton?

Nick: Present.

Gaby: Boltlung Iron?

Boltlung: Yessum Miss Gaby.

Gaby: Chris Batty?

Chris: Hilfiger.

Gaby: What?

Chris: My shirt. You asked about my shirt, right? It’s by Tommy Hilfiger. 

Gaby: Nevermind. Tom Plunkett?

Tom: AAAHHHGGG!

Nick: Tom, why are you hunched over the table looking like you might defecate in your knickers at any moment? Goddammit Boltlung, did you allow Tom to have lunch at Cafe Habana again today? You were given strict orders not to let that happen! 

Boltlung: Well, I, I, I’m sorry boss! It’s just so close by, he can’t resist it.

Tom: AAAHHHGGG!

Chris: Oh dear God what is that smell? Is someone wearing Drakkar? That’s like, so last year.

Tom: AAAHHHGGG!

Nick: No you preppy twit! Plunkett’s going all Shatner in his pants! 

Chris: Whatever bro. The fishtank now smells like the Jersey Shore on the 4th of July.

Boltlung: I begged him not to get black beans on his pulled pork sandwich boss, honest I did. I swear to it!

Tom: AAAHHHGGG!

Nick: Boltlung, get Plunkett cleaned up! Borrow one of Jim Lehnoff’s diapers and throw it on him. We’ve got to discuss the launch of my new girly Deadspin, LesBall

Chris: Dude, is this going to take much longer? Happy hour at Dorrian’s kicks off in ten minutes! 

May
5th
Mon
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Calls For Making Tracie Egan and Nick Douglas Redundant

Many of the e-mails filling my inbox today are vehemently calling for the heads of Tracie Egan, for once again violating the commenter privacy agreement that I really don’t give a fuck about in the first place, and Nick Douglas for being, well, Nick Douglas.

First, about firing Tracie: Are you fucking kidding me? In an organization whose crazy quotient exceeds that of dentists and Jihadists combined, Tracie is not merely the most mentally unstable, she’s a walking Lifetime movie. She’s Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. On steroids.

This is a woman who is rumored to lure men that she dislikes, or has it out for in some way, into bed for unprotected sex so that she can knowingly infect them with whatever mutant strains of human social disease she happens to be incubating inside of the petri dish between her thighs at the moment.

This is also a woman who throws New Year’s Eve parties in her home, then turns around and shamelessly solicits donations for cleaning services from strangers on the Internet after her “friends” spill liquor on her possessions, long after she’s passed out while being sodomized and is unable to supervise her own party, mind you.

The angry mob will just have to let this one go because I truly fear what she might do to the love bandit in retribution. Besides, the Jezzies eat up Tracie’s rejected submissions to Penthouse Letters, and I’ll always be a capitalist first, and a misogynist second.

As far as Nick Douglas goes, they can all forget about that one as well. Yes, I know that people are pissed off over the penetration post, one that I prudently pulled down immediately by the way, and they say that he’s by far the worst contributor in the history of Gawker Media, but he’s a ginger hobbit, my ginger hobbit. In case you didn’t know, ginger hobbits are not only rare, but to gay, British new media overlords, they’re the equivalent of what midgets are to ibankers.

So until Boltlung can find another ginger hobbit in possession of the ability to construct sentences with a junior high school level of aptitude to replace him, Nick Douglas stays.

Now, where the fuck is my paperweight?

Apr
28th
Mon
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Can you smell what the Tart is cooking? Move in closer to your monitor and scratch the image of Julia Allison and Randi Zuckerberg (Mark&#8217;s sister) on the screen so that you can catch a whiff of the putrid stench of calculation emanating off of Julia.

Can you smell what the Tart is cooking? 

Move in closer to your monitor and scratch the image of Julia Allison and Randi Zuckerberg (Mark’s sister) on the screen so that you can catch a whiff of the putrid stench of calculation emanating off of Julia.