January 2009
1 post
July 2008
1 post
Boltlung Needs Help
from: Noah Robishon <noah@gawker>
to: Nick Denton <nickguidodenton@gmail.com>
subject: Blakeley’s crying about College Humor stealing his videos
Nick, do you have van veen’s email handy?
Why yes Boltlung, I certainly do. It is:
lockharteatsmyjesscoenleftovers@unfunnyovergrownfratboys.org
By the way, how’s that “Mastering Email with Laurel Touby”...
May 2008
11 posts
Emily and Josh Redux
Whenever I think about Emily and Josh, I try to remember a simpler time, a time when things weren’t so complicated. Like that time when Emily was so freaked out by a leotard-wearing Josh stalking her at yoga that she stopped coming into the office altogether for weeks at a time so that she wouldn’t have to see him. Ah yes, the good times. Note to self: Never hire a hetero Jew blogger...
Get Over It
Look, I’ve no plans to make Nick Douglas redundant despite the pleadings of this website. He’s my ginger hobbit after all.
Desire
I’d get down on my hands and knees and crawl across a field of broken glass just to listen to Al Reynolds urinating into a cup. Tionna?
The Official Richard Lawson Coming Out Party
I can’t think of a better way for Lolcait to come roaring out of the closet than by hosting “The Ultimate Gossip Girl Summit.”
Calls For Making Tracie Egan and Nick Douglas...
Many of the e-mails filling my inbox today are vehemently calling for the heads of Tracie Egan, for once again violating the commenter privacy agreement that I really don’t give a fuck about in the first place, and Nick Douglas for being, well, Nick Douglas. First, about firing Tracie: Are you fucking kidding me? In an organization whose crazy quotient exceeds that of dentists and Jihadists...
April 2008
48 posts
IM With Julia Allison
Julia Allison: OMG Nick I have a stalker! A blog stalker! Me: Yes. And? Julia Allison: Nick, how could you be so callous? This is serious! I’m scared of this person! I mean, they’re posting stuff about me that isn’t fed to them directly by me or through the two dozen or so email addresses that I use to submit things about myself “anonymously” to Gawker Media editors...
Nevermind Tionna
Al heard that I was looking for him and took appropriate measures. Your services are no longer needed. Again.
Another Day, Another Sloane Crosley Book Party
Do I really want to attend another Sloane Crosley circle jerk tonight? Do I really want to have to listen to Jonathan Ames whine about addition and his itchy asshole? Do I really want to listen to A.M. Homes’ incessant droning about how her mother was a slut? Do I really want to listen to Liz Spiers’ pathetic fishing for peer approval of her new gig at Fortune? NO! But go I must, if...
Goddamnit Boltlung!
How many times do I have to tell you that Charmin gives me dingleberries? Quilted Northern Boltlung, Quilted Northern!
My Particularly Vile Employees
I’m more than sure that this is all Jim Lehnhoff puffing away while yapping into his celly coordinating his diaperpail friend activities, but seriously people, what are we, an assembly of dirty Brooklyn hipsters or something? From: Roxanne Gelfer roxanne@gawker.com> Date: Tue, Apr 22, 2008 at 1:46 PM Subject: Attention All Smokers… To: (redacted)@gawker.com Hi, An ash tray has been...
An Apology E-Mail From Tionna Smalls
Yesterday, I posted this, the highlight of which was the line, “Go shoot yourself and die because no one likes you.” Today brings an apology from Tionna: To: nickguidodenton@gmail.com From: tionnatsmalls@yahoo.com Subject: Faker! I didn’t know that you were a fake. I apologize to you and Nick Denton for getting you guys mixed up… My bad! Tionna. Tell you what Tionna,...
An E-mail From Tionna Smalls
Shortly posting this video on Friday, along with some terse commentary thrown in for good measure, I received the following e-mail from Tionna Smalls: To: nickguidodenton@gmail.com From: tionnatsmalls@yahoo.com Subject: Don’t Get Mad At Me! Nick, Don’t Get mad at me because I have a vagina and you don’t. You think I care about what you think about me. I saw your comment...
The Changing Web 2.0 Cultural Lexicon
Says David Karp: “I can’t believe Scott Kidder was the first person to use my new toilet…” Is that what the kids are calling it these days? I feel so old! Boltlung, you’re supposed to be keeping me abreast of these things! Damn you Scott Kidder! All this time I was hoping to make David Karp my replacement for Ricky Van Veen. You’ve ruined him for me!
WatchYes Tionna Smalls, your firing was a direct result of my being “intimidated” by and “jealous” of you. It had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I mistook you for the large, loud black woman married to the totally not gay Al Reynolds when you were hired, thus crushing my dreams of sneaking off to “smoke a fag” with the dreamy Al at future Gawker parties....
An E-Mail Exchange With Richard Lawson
From: am.lawson@gmail.com To: nickguidodenton@gmail.com Subject: I need to get this off my chest…Mr. D- I go to bed every night thinking about you. I have an empty desk right next to me, and I’d love nothing more than to have you sitting right next to me. Why must there be so much distance between us??? Don’t run from your feelings! You know that what we could have would be...
Book Club Update
For all of you members, I’ve decided that the selections for my book club’s first month will be I Was Told There’d Be Cake AND Mein Kempf. Why? I just feel that Hitler and Sloane Crosley go so well together as companion reads. Don’t you agree?
“The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you...”
– Demetri Martin (via simko) Demetri Martin must be a fellow scrapbooker.
Julia Allison, Reliable Source
While many have expressed shock and indignation over Howard Kurtz having Julia on as a guest on Reliable Sources, I, for one, was not surprised. Myself and others have long known Julia to be a reliable source of many things, including: Twaddle Hypocrisy Plagiarism Gonorrhea Deceitfulness Maggots Dillusion Poppycock Imprudence Syphilis Self-Absorption Lying Burning Urination Dreadful Sex ...
I Can Breathe Again
Now that I have my weekly Sunday night doses of Eva “The Mexican Meryl Streep” Longoria on Desperate Housewives back again.
Introducing Boltlung Iron!
Now that the minor announcements of the day are out of the way, on to the important stuff; Noah couldn’t make up his mind over which name to choose, so I chose for him. His new business cards are on the way! Please direct any future correspondence to boltlung@gawker.com
Bitch-Slapped
What didn’t I do to Alex Balk that prevented my inclusion from this list? Was not the slow-traffic-triggered mechanical flagellation device affixed to his workstation enough?
Cia Bernales
A flatmate of mine back at University once said that Filipinos taste like cucumber custard. I’ll have to remember to ask Nick McGlynn if that’s true.
Anticipation
Just wondering how my new paperweight is coming along?
Quit Bitching Already
I finally get the heat turned on and now some of them are already whining about the lack of conditioned air. You’d swear they were a bunch of gays! Oh wait, they are.
Email To Noah Robischon
From: nickguidodenton@gmail.com To: noah@gawker.com Subject: Your name Noah, I’ve given this plenty of thought and, quite frankly, your name sucks. I’ve decided that you should change it. As my main doppelganger you need a name that embodies strength, virility, and potency. I need you to have a name that sounds as if I plucked you directly off of the set of Dude, Where’s My...
My Book Club
I’m starting a book club. My initial selections for review are I Was Told There’d Be Cake, Jemima J, and Mein Kampf. Who wants in?
WatchMemo to James Del: Chips, nachos, and “Woodies”—AND I WASN’T INVITED? You’re fired. No, I’m serious this time, you’re fired. Go wank off Pete Wentz in the TRL green room or something. We all know that’s what you really want to do anyway.
Traumatic Experiences
You could travel around the world twice with Nicolas Kristof and still not know real pain and suffering, pain and suffering whose depths can only be touched by joining me on a hat shopping excursion.
I Am So Getting One
Just what I need for the agonizing trek from Crosby St. to Elizabeth St.—A JETPACK! Scooters are so 2006 anyway.
The Finishing Touch
Oh joy! The kit I ordered from www.makeyourowndildo.com came in today. Now I’ll have just what I always wanted for my new office—a bronze statuette of Scott Kidder’s cock for a paperweight! I’ll have Noah do the molding of Scott’s man-mallet right away. Let this be a lesson to all the kids out there that dreams do come true!
Noelle Hancock
Poor Noelle. I just had to take her under my wing for a spell. First her employer predictably shits the bed, and soon she’ll discover that she’s merely a beard for Nick Confessore. I just hope that she isn’t too hard on herself when she finds out. After all, Pat Healy can be quite charming when he’s sad.